The Good Girl's Guide to Casual Sex
Who says being single means being alone? Casual relationships can be great - if you know what you're getting yourself in for. If you're wanting more, a one night stand is a fast track to a broken heart. But if you know yourself and you know what you want, a fling can be a welcome oasis in the singleton desert.
By Anna Warwick
Why Are You Single?
Being single, while difficult on the odd cold night, is neither a horrible accident, nor is it something to be ashamed of. It’s not like we’re living in a Jane Austen novel and your only chance was some scabby rich second cousin who offered to take you off your parents’ hands when you were 16… These are the ‘naughties, and love is not a business deal (despite certain frighteningly unromantic settlement laws). So if you’ve decided to settle for nothing less than true love, then it might just take a while.
And in the meantime, you might be enjoying single life… the carefree, spur-of-the moment lifestyle, the ability to spread oneself as thinly as vegemite on a crumpet… the starfish sleeping position… it’s all good, except for that one looming, glaringly absent element.
Single = Celibate?
NO! Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you have to go without the odd game of hide the sausage. A red blooded woman has needs. And it’s not just a matter of getting your rocks off… physical contact is necessary to ward off the mean reds (Breakfast at Tiffanies). Even monkeys become seriously disturbed after too long in isolation, as proven by psychologist Harry Harlow, author of Learning to Love, way back in the 1950’s.
Sex is Important
What’s more, sex is great for your health. It’s fun, it keeps you slim and fit and it releases all those deliriously happy-making endorphins, providing you with that unmistakable ‘afterglow’. Sex also bolsters the immune system, and some studies suggest that sex about three times a week can slow aging and prevent wrinkles around the eyes. And if you keep having sex until you’re old and wrinkly you will remain a sexual being until the day you die!
So it’s a pretty good idea to get your recommended dose of sexual activity. My inexpert opinion is that we need it at least three times a year (if not three times a week).
But Isn’t Casual Sex Slutty?
Sigh. How often do married people get to have sex? A lot (I hope)! But even if a single person has five casual flings in a year… they’re still only having a teensy weensy percentage of sex compared with their friends in loved up relationships. Sex, as I have established, is important for wellbeing… and single people are not having it three times a week – they are on rations!
But I am preaching to the converted. In our January sex survey, an overwhelming majority of the 3000 women we surveyed (73 per cent) said they saw no moral issue with casual sex - “each to her own”.
What’s Your Limit?
Jess, 24: “Before my grandmother died she told me: ‘You have to find out what is out there before you settle down… How can you know what you want when you don’t even know what is possible? Sleep with at least 20 guys before you get married.’ So I set myself a number and I will not sleep with more people than this number I set. This way I force myself to really think before I sleep with people. I ask myself: ‘does it make sense to sleep with this guy? Do I want to see him again? Can I recycle this guy (number wise = use again)? Is there really enough chemistry with this guy?’ And so on.”
Preparing for a Close Encounter of the Casual Kind
So, you think you might be ready to part with the DVD remote and try a fling? Here are some things to ponder before you grab the nearest hottie and pull him into toilet cubicle:
You Have the Power
Sarah, 23: “Women have the kind of sexual pull and power that guys would kill to have. We are not always as innocent and honest as we like to play - we can think the same as guys about casual sex. It’s a matter of whether we synch with someone or not – do we both want a quickie with no strings, or passion or more?
Thou Must Know Thyself
Condoms are vital when it comes to casual sex; but it’s just as vital to look after your emotional wellbeing. Basically, if you don’t know where you’re at emotionally, a fling will do your head in.
Is casual sex really what you want? Think about it – have you ever gone to bed with someone and felt emotionally drained and empty the next day, and spent the next week wondering why there was no follow up phone call?
If casual sex depresses you, and deep down you want a relationship, be honest with yourself about it and stick to your guns. Eventually you will meet a guy who wants the same thing.
In Your Teens and Early Twenties
Boys your age are definitely keen for sexual adventures, and are capable of disconnecting from sex emotionally. But if a guy is asking for sex from you and you don’t feel ready, don’t go there. If he decides to break up with you then he wanted something that you weren’t able to give, that’s all. It’s not a rejection of you personally, and there’s nothing wrong with you for taking your time.
Your emotional capacity for casual sex might change and develop in your late twenties – even in your thirties and forties, when you will feel far more sexually confident anyway. Or it might never change – it just doesn’t matter. You don’t have to pretend sex isn’t a big deal for you, just because it’s cool. Many people can only ever have sex with someone they deeply love.
More: Don’t “BOYFRIEND” all Your Dates
