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Addicted to Porn?
Q: Six months ago I discovered that my fiancé had been downloading pornography from the internet. I was shocked and hurt that he had not discussed this with me. Before the discovery, he had become withdrawn and uninterested in being intimate. After I found it, he deleted it all and said if he wanted to do it again, he would discuss it with me. Two months later, I started noticing the same changes in his behaviour. I asked him if he was masturbating to pornography and he denied everything but I found two videos he had brought from a sex shop six weeks earlier. I tried to involve myself in his fantasies by watching them with him and using them during sex, but once I had seen them, he threw them out and said he didn't need them. A week later, he was back downloading pornography from the internet, this time hiding it better. I found the disks by accident in his toolbox. He has lied to me so many times about it. I have tried to help him and communicate with him about it but he doesn't want to discuss it. He has been to counselling about this problem before, (with a previous relationship) and is willing to go again. Will this help to repair our trust? I do love him and want to support him.
A: Your boyfriend has a serious problem. It is not the pornography as such but the secrecy and the fact that he can't seem to give it up though he apparently tries. This is the worse type of addiction. He also is in denial about his problem and that's not helping him to resolve it once and for all. It's obvious that he's ashamed of his interest in porn on the internet and that's why he keeps getting rid of it, only to get some more! You're just going round in circles. I wonder why, if he did have counselling previously, he hasn't got the problem in hand. He certainly needs professional help but may I suggest that he see someone at a specialist addiction clinic where they would know exactly how to help. Check out these centres in your capital city or get a referral from his doctor. People often become withdrawn when they're troubled or guilty about something. That's not unusual and I'm sure you can understand his embarrassment when you found out what he'd been doing. If you really care about him and want to hang in with him, you will need to be very compassionate and patient while he's working through this issue. It's interesting that once you looked at the porn, it didn't hold the same interest for him. With deviant sexual behaviour secrecy and the danger of being caught is a large part of the high. So it's not something you could share even if you wanted to - not under the present conditions, anyway. If he just had a normal interest in porn, it could be used as an adjunct to a healthy sex life. Tell him that you don't want the secrecy and lies and he must be willing to own his problem and thus, deal with it once and for all in order for the two of you to have a real chance at a future.
A One-sided Sex Life
Q: Thanks for reading my letter. My boyfriend and I have been together 3 yrs. At first he was great in bed, couldn't do enough to please me. Now in the past year or so, it's just wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am. I've tried to talk to him but we only end up arguing about it so I just leave it. I love him dearly and I know he loves me, at least that's what he says. Please help me, as I'm getting sick of satisfying him and getting nothing in return.
A: After the first flush of romance and excitement, it's quite normal for a relationship to get less passionate and more ordinary. But it should never be unsatisfying. That is usually due to laziness and taking each other for granted. Perhaps your guy doesn't understand this. He's become complacent and bored, therefore in turn, he's become boring as well. This is an important crossroads for the two of you and how you resolve it now will make the difference to how you continue from here. You say you've tried to talk to him but how you did this is the key factor. If there was a suggestion of criticism, it probably turned him off. You need to discuss the subject with him in a tone of negotiation, involving him in strategies for improvement. It could work and let's face it; things can't just go on as they are. Some people get bored with a relationship after a period of time, even if they genuinely care about the person. Your partner could fall into that category, in which case you can try to be more creative and exciting in bed rather than looking to him to revive the interest. It sounds like your sex life has become extremely mundane and it's going to take a bit of effort to freshen it up. When you say you are getting 'nothing' do you mean that literally? Is he helping you to reach climax or doesn't he even bother with that? You might want to ask yourself if this guy is plain selfish. As much as you love him, think about whether he's right for you. You don't even seem particularly sure of his feelings, or maybe you've lost your confidence through all this. Make it clear to him that you want a better sex life without appearing to blame him and then see what his reactions are. If he won't even try to change, rethink the whole relationship.
Shesaid has teamed up with adultshop's online sexpert and she is ready to answer any question you may have about sex or sensuality. If you have a burning question please email to feedback@shesaid.com. Complete confidentiality will be upheld so don't be scared.
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