Casual Sex Advice
Dear Hesaid/Shesaid,
Ok where do I start, it is a long complicated "relationship". I don't know if I should call it that but I have known this guy for years now. He’s younger than I, a lot younger and I have worked with him in two different jobs and now we are back working together.
We have had casual things for the last three years and I have tried to finish it many times but he keeps coming back. Not in the way I want him to - he comes back for sex. Earlier this year I heard he had a girlfriend and I told him to stay away and I didn't want speak to him for a while but then he wasn't happy with not being friends. I did tell him at this point that I was in love with him and I couldn't be his friend.
His mother suffered a stroke and he wanted to speak to me about it, then I found out he had broken up with the girlfriend and I continued to ignore him and tried to remove him from my life but he kept calling and slowly making his way back in. Eventually he got me again and I was ok with being his friend but then we moved back to the casual sex thing… and now it’s got me really confused. I love this guy and I don't want to tell him because I know it’s not going anywhere. I know that if I tell him, whatever part I have of him I have I won’t see anymore - it will be over and it is going to hurt bad this time. I know I am only someone he is with because he has no one else at the moment but as soon as he meets someone he does really like I will be forgotten.
Everyone's advice is that I am wasting my time with him, and he is not for me. He has issues and he drinks a lot, he has had problems with his parents (divorce), he doesn't express his feelings, he is more unhappy than happy. I can't remember if we have ever had sex with him sober. I have asked why and he says he doesn't know and he wants to have sex with me sober. I don't know what to do and how to handle it or what I should do next...
He Said:
What should you do next? I mean do we really need to do this?
Sigh... okay - but I'm turning my 'brutally honest' dial up to 11.
He's a depressed alcoholic who hates himself so much for being weak and clinging on to weaker women so that he can use them for sex and comfort until he finds a person that he believes will be hot/smart/funny/sexy/ambitious enough to pull him out of this horrible life that's been thrust upon him. But it hasn't been thrust upon him - it's his choice, and at the end of the day he can only blame himself - and probably does. Then comes the drinking... again.
Now on to Act II of our advice column: He doesn't love you. He won't love you because who would respect a woman who allows you to treat her like a doormat? This won't change - he won't come in one day and be all smiles and sweep you off your feet in the way you've imagined countless times. There are two sides to each story and while I can make this man out to be the villain - you have to realise that you can't have a villain without a victim or a hero. Question is - which one will you continue to be?
It seems so impossible to make a hard decision when you're in love and scared of being hurt. So let's make it easier for you and the easiest way to answer any question is when it's multiple choice!
You find yourself in a relationship for three years with a guy who can't bring himself to be with you unless he's drunk, do you:
a) Continue to sleep with him and hope that one day he’ll get better.
b) Let yourself be tortured by a man who doesn't even like himself.
c) Get rid of him, get hurt but move on to someone who loves you.
She Said:
Dear Confused,
When was the last time you had a self esteem check up? I think it's about time you checked in with your inner self. Seems you've wasted part of two years of your life thinking about someone who I doubt spends as much time thinking about you.
You want to know why this guy keeps coming back every time you 'finish it' … because you allow him too. You say he comes back for sex - well duh - cause he knows he can get it from you. Why should he bother going out to a bar and try to chat up someone in the hope of getting a little 'somethin somethin', when he can just pick up the phone and make a booty call to you? Why do you think you fell in love with him? Probably because you like the fact there's someone who physically and possibly emotionally uses you as a crutch? Time for you to stop being co-dependent.
I don't understand why you've fallen for this guy - you say he has issues, drinks a lot, has parental problems and is more unhappy than happy and he's never had sober sex with you – wow he's a great catch. Even if this guy confessed his love for you, what possible happiness would you have with him being his on call psychologist? You are right with one thing - as soon as he meets someone else, you'll be forgotten again.
It's time for you to stop trying help this guy and solve his problems - they are bigger than you can deal with. He needs professional counselling and it's time you realised that. I suggest you tell him full stop you do not want to be his friend or anything else, don't answer his calls and get out there, meet some nice boys who actually really like you every day, not just when they feel like it.
Need some advice - Write to Hesaid/Shesaid and get some valuable advice at feedback@shesaid.com
